Letter to an old friend in California

This is a letter to an old friend who was in the PhD program in Biology at UCSD with me. He was meant to stay, I was not. He was actually passionate about science and he was a inspiration to me of what is possible in our careers as well as life. Anyway, the letter summarizes my view of life since then:

I remember how we used to go out for dinner after a long day in the lab and I found myself wanting to talk to you about life and love and all that while you were content to talk about the exciting research experiments you were working on. This also woke me up to how you were where you needed to be while I was in need of something different if I was to ever be true to myself. You may remember how I was reading "The Road Less Traveled" back then too and this was also a great influence.

Anyway what I have come to further realize was that my priorities of importance were 1. Relationships 2. Love 3. Personal peace 4. Learning/experiencing (in no particular order) meanwhile way low on my totem pole was importance in Science/Technology. I only went to UCSD to 1. prove to myself that I could get in 2. to give myself a new adventure (i love being a student too) 3. And also I believed that with a PhD I could enjoy being a teacher at the university level...but once I got to UCSD I realized that a PhD would always focus on research rather than teaching and that I really didn't want to teach Science anyway. :)

So with my new awareness of my priorities (see above) I went and got engaged to my long time girl friend Sonja. I wanted to spend the rest of my 20's living with and supporting her. My feelings were that no career I could think of yet would ever be more important than my relationships. Career, after all, in my estimation was just a way we make money and find Identity in our society. I was challenging myself a lot (and still am) to define what success means to me personally....Relationships, honesty, care for the other, responsibility, and openness to experience to allow each day to be full....or this is what I have come up with so far :)

Ok so back in Seattle I started again working in the Hepatitis C virus lab at UW that I used to be in, and crazily enough have kept working here up to the present! So I have the past 4.5 years been in a lab nevertheless, oh the irony is killing me now...haha. I had to make money and I had a great boss here too. The lab tech position also allowed me to take psychology courses for free at UW so I could slowly work toward all the prerequisites necessary for a Masters program.

At the Crisis Line I have been volunteering once a week for 3 years answering crisis calls. The initial education I received there blew my mind. They were teaching how to be a caring, responsible, human being that holds back judgment. I believe Jesus would have taught some similar classes. :) But what I really enjoyed too was learning how to communicate, and listen. It sounds pretty basic right? But soooo important.

You John are already an amazing listener as I remember. You gave a lot to everyone. Do you remember when Ravi (sp?) overdosed and we brought him to your room that first month we were in classes...Lake Arrowhead I believe. That was an amazing time. You were very concerned and yet cool about it and for that I was proud of you. I almost expected you to go get some medical help which I would have been very proud of you for that too because lord knows we were all walking a fine line between getting Ravi in trouble and keeping him alive. Man what luck that he awoke...I still remember, it was just as I was trying to get him to take a drink of water from a glass. Poor guy had some issues he was running from. I wonder what happened to him? You know? I haven't talked to Max K. either. I wonder how he is.

Before sonja and I married we went for 3 weeks to Thailand...scuba dived and explored the north country. Amazing experience. Sonja is now graduated from her program, she was in medical school. She has always inspired me her work ethic and how happy she is. She is a family physician so she does several things but her favorite seems to be delivering babies.

For several years I have found myself kinda floating on and experiencing each of my days best as I could. I guess I have been kinda lazy compared to so many i know. This makes me kinda guilty but I also feel that I am living my life rather than trying to be "successful." However, this past month my psychology program has actually been the busiest time in my life! I usually am pretty proud that I have been able to have ample time for friends and family rather than work, but being in this program has revealed that I need to challenge myself too if I am really going to be alive. I am feeling very passionate about psychology work though. I have chosen what is right for me right now. In 10 years I will probably want to learn something else. I am open to whatever my heart needs I guess.

Recent letter to professional colleague

I hope this reaches you well.
I been wanting to give you an update on how I have been doing in grad school.

I am halfway through the first year of the masters program at Seattle Univ. and it has been better than fantastic. While I have never felt busier trying to balance school and part time work (researching Hepatitis C at UW), I have also never felt more fulfilled. When I entered the program I was hopeful to gain a good education in psychotherapy and so I'm happy to report that this program is beyond "good" it's excellent. I am being blown away on a daily basis by the articles, books, and lectures by passionate SU professors.

You may remember that this program is "Existential Phenomenological" based. Overall this sets it apart from others in that it's focus is not on technique but on really being with the other. The philosophy of Kierkegaard, Heidegger, Sarte, Merleau-Ponty, and Levinas are the program's bread and butter. While reading the philosophy is not easy, the professors have an amazing ability to apply it back to psychotherapy. I often feel as though I'm on an exploration of our common struggle to understand our world and live authentically. Over and over again we focus back to the power inherent in our relationship with the other. Focus is also given to the uniqueness of each of our perspectives; noting how we can never know the other and the danger in believing we do. I really feel like I have found my calling and am overjoyed by the prospect of my future as a therapist.

Existentialism - Taken from a Psychology of Nothingness

Existential Guilt -- Existential guilt is not guilt that emerges because of this or that unjust action or because of breaking a standard. Existential guilt comes from (the struggle with) nothing. In his existential guilt, a person realizes that a creatively restless mood resides in the core of his being - a guilt that judges him as imperfect. This guilty person knows that he can always better himself, that his life is an imperfect growth into perfection. In his guilt he hears an inner voice that says go on, be better, realize your dreams, be yourself.
A person feels existentially guilty for not being more of what he can become. Especially in the throes of nothingness, a person begins to experience how insignificant he really is in the light of the whole of mankind. Would his death have any significance? Has he really left a meaningful impact on the world? What difference does it make that he lives?
This person may compare himself to others. He feels guilty not so much for what he has done but for what he has not done. His guilt does not center around work accomplishments, monetary possessions, or social success; his guilt is more a reflection of his non-being. He asks himself how much he has really loved and given himself to others, and he wonders how much he has really celebrated and enjoyed life. His guilt is a summons to take stock of himself.
In nothingness a person also begins to realize how much he is indebted to the rest of mankind, that without other people, especially his parents, mentors, and friends, he would neither be nor have the possibility of being what he is. He affirms radically that his life is a gift and he is indebted to others for his life. He feels guilty for owing so much to so many and knowing that he will never be able to pay off his debt, especially the debt of love.
Existential guilt reminds a person that fundamentally he is no better that his fellowman. Because of his guilt a person is less inclined to pull rank or to be violent and more inclined to be sensitive and compassionate. When he sees his fellowman being unjust to another he fells guilty...makes restitution for his own evil acts and for the acts of other, primarily by living an authentic life.
Although a person in nothingness experiences a basic uneasiness in recognizing all that he is not, paradoxically he begins to see what the fullness of being is. Existential guilt is a radically positive experience that keeps him honest by putting pressure on him to renew and to become himself. This constant force encourages him to live more fully and to give more lovingly. The existential man always has horizons to see and possibilities to realize. His guilt fosters authentic pride and humility: an affirmation of who he is and is becoming - a man emerging out of nothingness into fulfillment.

Existential Anxiety -- In existential anxiety a person feels the ground of his existence being undermined (due to really confronting his existence and the finiteness of it = death). He may experience himself as being in a bottomless pit, not knowing how he got into it and not knowing how to get out...Feeling certain about nothing...a situation of not-yetness. His presence seems to be nowhere.
Actually, his anxiety means that he is on the way to a deeper mode of living. His nothingness pressures him to ask questions that call for lasting answers....His dread calls him back to the roots of his existence, inviting him to wonder about the possibility of any behavior whatsoever. Paradoxically, when he confronts the possibility of non-being, he omes to a fuller appreciation of being. In dread he may find the courage to question the ground of his life: What makes me be? Why am I? Where am I going? What should I do? Who am I? Why should I live? I will live!
Thus the dread of being lost in nothingness encourages a person to gain an appreciation of the fullness of living...he discovers deeper meaning that enables him to enjoy life. Paradoxically, his suffering in nothingness enables him to appreciate and celebrate life more fully.