What Do I Learn?

I am beginning to see how the graduate program I am in is quite different and unique to many others. Even the idea of graduate school "as a place you go to learn and become more able to perform in your chosen career," is kinda put on its head. What if everything that you know, believe, and hold true is actually the source of most of your problems in your profession?

I want to learn to be effective in my career in helping others, however, I am learning that doing this is means I must unlearn, put into question, open my self to the fact that knowledge is self-serving and the other needs me not to be intelligent, not to be able to find the cause, answer the problem, solve the puzzle but to be open and genuinely relate to him or her. How do I unlearn it all? Question myself completely? Perfection is not possible and not the "goal" either (of helping the other). However, such self-directed questioning and awareness of my own feelings, motivations, and prejudices is the path that my professors suggest I take. Not it will not be easy, but I can hope to open myself to actually learn from the other this way.

The goal of being a helper is fraught with trap doors and innocent vipers. I thought I was so great to be trying to "help" other as a psychotherapist but then was struck by how frustrated I would become when the other did not want or seem to even need my "help." Suddenly I began to see how I am not only just interested in helping them but I was actually interested in giving myself a role to play! One that I could feel good about and be comfortable with. I am the "helper," the "nice guy" what is so bad about that?! Answer: I am not doing it for them!! Rather, for myself, my needs, my insecurities. And the really amazing thing of it is I denied this to be true for the longest time. I thought I was being responsible by focusing them on their problems. While this is partially true, they are the one's who lead me there when they are ready and I need to be wary of focusing on their problems for my own needs to be needed.
Yes, that is it. I need to be needed. I want to be wanted. I am helped to be helping. I needed them to have a problem for me to fix because being a fixer feels so GOOD. In it, I have a goal, I have a role, there is a productivity to this and a certainty. I accept this as who I am and do not look negatively upon myself for it. I am human and beautifully complex and at least I recognize how my own altruism is not totally that.

We are all blinded by our Power, Truth, Certainty. Yet we hold on to it because Weakness and Uncertainty breeds anxiety. To not be sure of the who the other is, of one's "good" intentions, one's place, one's knowledge or one's purpose is anxiety producing. However, to live with certainty of these things blinds a person and leads them astray as well as makes it hard for them to learn anything new.
...or so I learned in Grad School.

Existentialism - Taken from a Psychology of Nothingness

Existential Guilt -- Existential guilt is not guilt that emerges because of this or that unjust action or because of breaking a standard. Existential guilt comes from (the struggle with) nothing. In his existential guilt, a person realizes that a creatively restless mood resides in the core of his being - a guilt that judges him as imperfect. This guilty person knows that he can always better himself, that his life is an imperfect growth into perfection. In his guilt he hears an inner voice that says go on, be better, realize your dreams, be yourself.
A person feels existentially guilty for not being more of what he can become. Especially in the throes of nothingness, a person begins to experience how insignificant he really is in the light of the whole of mankind. Would his death have any significance? Has he really left a meaningful impact on the world? What difference does it make that he lives?
This person may compare himself to others. He feels guilty not so much for what he has done but for what he has not done. His guilt does not center around work accomplishments, monetary possessions, or social success; his guilt is more a reflection of his non-being. He asks himself how much he has really loved and given himself to others, and he wonders how much he has really celebrated and enjoyed life. His guilt is a summons to take stock of himself.
In nothingness a person also begins to realize how much he is indebted to the rest of mankind, that without other people, especially his parents, mentors, and friends, he would neither be nor have the possibility of being what he is. He affirms radically that his life is a gift and he is indebted to others for his life. He feels guilty for owing so much to so many and knowing that he will never be able to pay off his debt, especially the debt of love.
Existential guilt reminds a person that fundamentally he is no better that his fellowman. Because of his guilt a person is less inclined to pull rank or to be violent and more inclined to be sensitive and compassionate. When he sees his fellowman being unjust to another he fells guilty...makes restitution for his own evil acts and for the acts of other, primarily by living an authentic life.
Although a person in nothingness experiences a basic uneasiness in recognizing all that he is not, paradoxically he begins to see what the fullness of being is. Existential guilt is a radically positive experience that keeps him honest by putting pressure on him to renew and to become himself. This constant force encourages him to live more fully and to give more lovingly. The existential man always has horizons to see and possibilities to realize. His guilt fosters authentic pride and humility: an affirmation of who he is and is becoming - a man emerging out of nothingness into fulfillment.

Existential Anxiety -- In existential anxiety a person feels the ground of his existence being undermined (due to really confronting his existence and the finiteness of it = death). He may experience himself as being in a bottomless pit, not knowing how he got into it and not knowing how to get out...Feeling certain about nothing...a situation of not-yetness. His presence seems to be nowhere.
Actually, his anxiety means that he is on the way to a deeper mode of living. His nothingness pressures him to ask questions that call for lasting answers....His dread calls him back to the roots of his existence, inviting him to wonder about the possibility of any behavior whatsoever. Paradoxically, when he confronts the possibility of non-being, he omes to a fuller appreciation of being. In dread he may find the courage to question the ground of his life: What makes me be? Why am I? Where am I going? What should I do? Who am I? Why should I live? I will live!
Thus the dread of being lost in nothingness encourages a person to gain an appreciation of the fullness of living...he discovers deeper meaning that enables him to enjoy life. Paradoxically, his suffering in nothingness enables him to appreciate and celebrate life more fully.