What Do I Learn?

I am beginning to see how the graduate program I am in is quite different and unique to many others. Even the idea of graduate school "as a place you go to learn and become more able to perform in your chosen career," is kinda put on its head. What if everything that you know, believe, and hold true is actually the source of most of your problems in your profession?

I want to learn to be effective in my career in helping others, however, I am learning that doing this is means I must unlearn, put into question, open my self to the fact that knowledge is self-serving and the other needs me not to be intelligent, not to be able to find the cause, answer the problem, solve the puzzle but to be open and genuinely relate to him or her. How do I unlearn it all? Question myself completely? Perfection is not possible and not the "goal" either (of helping the other). However, such self-directed questioning and awareness of my own feelings, motivations, and prejudices is the path that my professors suggest I take. Not it will not be easy, but I can hope to open myself to actually learn from the other this way.

The goal of being a helper is fraught with trap doors and innocent vipers. I thought I was so great to be trying to "help" other as a psychotherapist but then was struck by how frustrated I would become when the other did not want or seem to even need my "help." Suddenly I began to see how I am not only just interested in helping them but I was actually interested in giving myself a role to play! One that I could feel good about and be comfortable with. I am the "helper," the "nice guy" what is so bad about that?! Answer: I am not doing it for them!! Rather, for myself, my needs, my insecurities. And the really amazing thing of it is I denied this to be true for the longest time. I thought I was being responsible by focusing them on their problems. While this is partially true, they are the one's who lead me there when they are ready and I need to be wary of focusing on their problems for my own needs to be needed.
Yes, that is it. I need to be needed. I want to be wanted. I am helped to be helping. I needed them to have a problem for me to fix because being a fixer feels so GOOD. In it, I have a goal, I have a role, there is a productivity to this and a certainty. I accept this as who I am and do not look negatively upon myself for it. I am human and beautifully complex and at least I recognize how my own altruism is not totally that.

We are all blinded by our Power, Truth, Certainty. Yet we hold on to it because Weakness and Uncertainty breeds anxiety. To not be sure of the who the other is, of one's "good" intentions, one's place, one's knowledge or one's purpose is anxiety producing. However, to live with certainty of these things blinds a person and leads them astray as well as makes it hard for them to learn anything new.
...or so I learned in Grad School.

Recent letter to professional colleague

I hope this reaches you well.
I been wanting to give you an update on how I have been doing in grad school.

I am halfway through the first year of the masters program at Seattle Univ. and it has been better than fantastic. While I have never felt busier trying to balance school and part time work (researching Hepatitis C at UW), I have also never felt more fulfilled. When I entered the program I was hopeful to gain a good education in psychotherapy and so I'm happy to report that this program is beyond "good" it's excellent. I am being blown away on a daily basis by the articles, books, and lectures by passionate SU professors.

You may remember that this program is "Existential Phenomenological" based. Overall this sets it apart from others in that it's focus is not on technique but on really being with the other. The philosophy of Kierkegaard, Heidegger, Sarte, Merleau-Ponty, and Levinas are the program's bread and butter. While reading the philosophy is not easy, the professors have an amazing ability to apply it back to psychotherapy. I often feel as though I'm on an exploration of our common struggle to understand our world and live authentically. Over and over again we focus back to the power inherent in our relationship with the other. Focus is also given to the uniqueness of each of our perspectives; noting how we can never know the other and the danger in believing we do. I really feel like I have found my calling and am overjoyed by the prospect of my future as a therapist.

My Boys Can Swim!

I am very happy and excited to announce that my wife and I are pregnant. Baby is due in August. We are going to do our best to stay surprised about the sex until birth. OMG I am going to be a father!!! I need a drink.

A Walk to Remember

Very recently I had the opportunity to watch the 2002 romantic film A Walk to Remember. This 5 year old film had somehow never come to my attention before now. In the past, my eyes have possibly passed over the film in the video store but it was invisible to me. “Cute” films such as A Walk to Remember I am guilty of prejudging as something I wouldn’t enjoy. I realize now how I can often be terribly prejudiced against those popular, made for teen films. In my past experience I have found that most films of this genre are unfortunately lacking. The films I like are often the non-blockbusters that are artistic, passionate and include character development through which lessons are learned. So, how did I happen to check out this film? As I was researching online for film recommendations this film kept popping up. Under the premise that I would get something romantic for Sonja, my wife, I took a chance…I am so glad I did.

Those things that have a uniquely strong impact upon us are important to take note of. By taking note of those things that have a strong positive or negative impact on us or others we have a chance to learn about our own or others defining characteristics or at least their unique view of the world. I can honestly say the film A Walk to Remember is not well polished or quality however it tells MY story in a sense. I am no longer embarrassed to say that this film rocked me to my core a bit. It transported me to an new understanding of my future as well as my past. I cried and I was inspired to be a better person. I am so happy to have felt these affections for the movie as they were powerful and beautiful. One must be open to being affected though. I am sure you would react differently to the film. My personal reaction was inhanced due to a few general plot additions:

- Boy finds inspiration to be better and to believe in himself...in a way like my life when I met my dear wife Sonja.

- Girl is angelic, loving and confident in her abnormality…knows herself (a real Jesus type of model of kindness that is admittedly unreal but to see Mandy Moore do it was fun. So innocent...so much like my dear wife Sonja.)

- The innocence and character transformations and redemptions are all inspiring to a degree that I found faith in my own redemption and the possibilities that that entailed...HOPE and Inspiration baby!

- Death always hits hard. To confront it as AWTR does helped me to longer sweat the small stuff and really made my life more positive and blessed. WOW!

Ok, that is my movie review for today. Keep loving out there yall.

Items of Interest this Week

This week I have been turned onto:

David Horsey: Political cartoonist for Seattle PI. Great cartoons on their site daily!

Dance Dance Revolution: This has been around for several years but I had never played it until last weekend! My little bro Gabe and sis Mia'ana have a rocking two pad setup that we danced on for the playstation2. Between dancing up a storm and then jumping into the pool to cool off I had a blast! I love being a kid again. But more importantly this game was hilarious and a workout! Parties will never be the same.

Home Budget Software: Using Excel has never been so much fun. Now I hope the I can save up enough of our hard earned money to someday afford the coveted CowSlippers! Its going to be beans and rice discipline for me. But seriously, money for rich people like us is just a game of goal making and luxury good buying. I just would like to play the frugality game a while to see where the money is going especially now that I may be out of work soon.
I love my Dear wife Sonja for being frugal with me this week and not going out to restaurant once in 6 days! (its like a record for us). And she is such a champ. She comes home and is excited to try to make some type of meal out just old things hiding in the cupboard and fridge.

Revolution

"The Revolution will not be televised." Do you know who said that? Learn it man. What this quote reminds of is the energy and focus required to understand or learn something. You can't just take what your parents, boss, tv tell you as truth, you got to work a bit to discover it.

There is so much out there that people have no idea of. Yet many things they hold as truth are assumptive beliefs given them by "trustworthy sources."

Close your eyes. There are a multitude of sights, smells, and history out there beyond you. With 6.5 billion of us currently on the planet (and so many that passed before us) can you imagine the diversity of experience and knowledge that exists? Do you think your beliefs/morals/way of life are correct? Does that mean the billions who don't subscribe/disagree are incorrect?

The reason I am noting this fact is because most people I come across have no concept, let alone interest, in confronting this fact. They live in their bubbles, insulated. They have no interest in finding out that much of what them and their loved ones hold as truth is wrong.

Don't be afraid to step into the unknown. Don't impose you views on others but rather have courage to open yourself up to experience. Fathom the possibilities that there are ways other than your own. You don't need to be correct to be good, just not full of your own shit.

"Believe nothing, O monks, merely because you have been told it … or because it is traditional, or because you yourselves have imagined it. Do not believe what your teacher tells you merely out of respect for the teacher. But whatsoever, after due examination and analysis, you find to be conducive to the good, the benefit, the welfare of all beings—that doctrine believe and cling to, and take it as your guide." --Buddha

I've Been Busy!?

Ok June 29th: Sonja and I met up with Ian and Odele, our lovely pregnant friends, for an adventure in the San Juan Islands...actually they needed a ride up to see Ian's father and Sonja and I were on our way to Vancouver Island B.C. for a wedding in Sooke. Our friends Amanda and Paul were to be married at the highly esteemed Sooke Harbor House...man did we eat well! Glorious view of the water and did I tell you that this is my first trip to Canada? What a place! I love our 51 state so much now!

I was trying to figure out how to get citizenship while I was there I enjoyed the vibe so much. Ahh the Canadians were just so interestingly similar to us...and yet not...strange how we went to a "Roadhouse" type restaurant and bar and it was surrounded by beautiful forest and a pond. Also we stayed with Ursula's Bed and Breakfast and may I just say that woman is awesome? She totally has a heart of gold and is a true blue transplanted German Hippie. Wait no. You cant call her a "Hippie" because she is the real thing in her heart. She is like 60 and she travels the world and roughs it in Mexico with her boyfriend for fun!

While at the bed and breakfast the first night Sonja and I had Schnapps (homemade) shots with a few friends of Ursula's and talked about Love, philosophy, simplicity...you know the real issues we all yearn for. Then the next day after breakfast I had the great opportunity to learn about the psychological-biological bridge that exists as well as spiritual chakra healing with Colin a British musician of about 50 yrs old. He could play some beautiful guitar and more than anything I really enjoyed getting him talking all about the wisdom he has gained through his crazy life. He inspired me to start playing guitar and that who scene at the bed and breakfast in general was really peaceful with mucho deep conversations between strangers...damn that is good living...but are all Canadians like this? haha

Sonja had a nice run though the residential neighborhood right before the wedding. Saw some deer and many picturesque houses...its clean in Canada and its obvious that western civilization has only been expanding out here in the past 200 years since Lewis and Clark. Mucho space still. But for how long at this rate?

On the way back from Canada we had the pleasure to boat over to Waldron Island and spend a night at Ian's Dad's place. Simplicity is riding in the back of an open bed truck riding through deep forest and singing. Larry is so cool, caring, and down to Earth. He is the real deal. I loved riding on his small boat past the seals and drinking a beer with him and Sonja as we motored down.

On 4th of July Sonja and I had a grilled hot dog at her mothers before spending the evening at Andy and Jill's for a BBQ at their new home site. Congrats to Andy and his new castle. I hope he puts in a moat and tames that dragon. Just a beautiful house out in them trees.

The next day Michael H. and the rest of us all woke way too early and started our hike up to Deep Lake and Cathedral Rock. The weather was perfect. At lunch at Squaw Lake I took a skinny dip with Mike and Andy but quickly got out since it was FREEZING! I dont know how they stayed in truthfully. It was quite a wake up and cool down though. Beautiful since we had the entire place to ourselves since it was Thursday.

There have been two nice inventions created that made life easier while hiking: the compact water burner and the portable water filtration pump. I dont know how we would have made it if we had to carry all that water up ourselves. So we hiked up through snow and were on the top of the world there. I wish I had my camera there at that point. Everyone was eaten by mosquitoes quite heavily at Deep Lake so we camped up on the ridge the second night. Played a few card games and frisbee on top of the world. I brought a flask of tequilla and the pipe Andy gave me which was nice to enjoy as the sun sank. The small pleasures such as no bugs and easy access to water were missed though. Its nice to appreciate so many little things since I have been back.

I really was inspired too by my friend Michael who for some strange reason (he is crazy afterall) hiked all the way down to the truck at the trailhead that night and then back in the dark! It was probably a 5 hr hike at a quick pace....at night. haha! I mean you begin to stretch your beliefs in what the body is capable of after you conceive of feats like that.

Mike also showed me the hilarious ROBOT CHICKEN spoofs on Star Wars! Then Andy did an excellent job of cleaning my teeth...what friends huh? I love 'em. May we have more days together again.

LayOffs Pending

Today at work I walked into our conference room on the 7th floor for a staff meeting. This conference room has huge windows that look out on Seattle and Mt. Rainer in the distance. It was a sunny bright day, but even on darker days that view is spectacular.
As I sat there and listened to my boss tell me the news, that due to funding issues I and others will most likely be laidoff in 2 months, my eyes would focus on the view of the mountains that I would soon miss. Now that this experience was coming to an end I kept thinking how much I have been blessed. So many good times spent in this space. If I was king of the world I would preserve this building in a museum to remind me of this period of my life. I was 22 when I first stepped foot in this lab overjoyed to be here...now I am thirty and I have grown enough to know that I need to leave despite how hard it may be. (note: I did leave when I was 25 to enter and drop out of a PhD. program in UC San Diego just to mix it up a little...I will tell that story another day).

Jobs can be like a comfortable couch for many I believe. You get in one and it becomes your stability and safety. You're just happy to make a good living while keeping it relaxed. Once you find a low stress position it becomes hard to get out of it voluntarily. Questions like: If I quit, how will I continue to live the lifestyle I've become accustomed? What if I hate my new career? But there are so many new adventures waiting that are never experienced due to our natural fear of change.

In September I begin my masters program in psychology which is scheduled for evening classes so I am kinda set, but I feel for some of the coworkers. I plan to look for another job and hope it's as relaxed and with good people like this one was. "How fortunate is the man with none."

Today's Rant: The Departed

The other day I finally watched the film "The Departed." This highly rated film was similar to watching angry dogs strutting and tearing at each other in a pit for entertainment. Films like this remind me of the great chasm that lies between me and general American public who continually support and enjoy violence and domineering males.

It was well acted yes, but so are many films out there. Ultimately you must ask what you get or learn after watching a film. How does it influence you? What I got from the film was that it was ok to act the way these guys were acting. I wish that someone in the film had a realization of how meaningless that kinda struggle and fight is. To separate themselves from it all and promote some peace and happiness in the world instead.

To be respected does a man have to be that way? Show no weakness...show no emotions or kindness. The men have their role and the women have theirs as submissive dolls to be played with in the off time. "The Departed" and films like it exemplifies to me how we are so attracted and enamoured by the aggressive, tough male image that we cheer on their behavior at the expensive of ourselves and our society. This same kind of machismo can get us into wars yo!

A Day in the Life...

Ok this post I will attempt to summarize what most of my days have been composed of for the past 4 years of life or so. The thing I have learned since college is that working full time can cause your life to get into a groove. I believe that time passes by at a quicker pace in this "working life" since there is less diversity/school breaks like there are in college.

I often remember experiencing more in one day as a student than a week as a slave to the grind :) I like calling myself a slave haha, but really I LIVE such a blessed life and am very happy with my work.

Wake about 8am and shower while listening to NPR
Dress up (in some of Sonja's clothes, hehe not really)
My regular breakfast since 2002 has been a fruit smoothie! Make one yourself: In a blender add 1 banana, 1 peeled orange, 1 cup of soy milk, frozen mango chunks, protein powder, maybe ice.
I then saddle my bicycle outfitted with my fluorescent jacket and helmet and cruise on a few backstreets of Seattle (18 blocks) to the hospital. Trick to riding bikes in Seattle is to get right into the traffic and act like a car when you can keep speed, and act like you are invisible the rest of the time.

I then stroll into the hepatitis c laboratory around 9:15am where I am a senior research technician in a group of around 12.
Throughout the day I perform my duties which include: being a molecular biology monkey, extracting RNA from infectious HIV/HCV tissues - very carefully :), then doing several steps to eventually work this RNA up to DNA sequencing. Overall I have several different types of work days since each week I am at a different stage of a project work up of these samples. I also analyze data, direct/teach students the how to's, order supplies/chemicals for the lab....let me tell you that if you want to make a load of cash just start a company supplying labs. Its like a crazy mafia racket it's so expensive...I digress.

Often when I am at work I've got my trusty boom box rocking me with some KEXP or NPR much to the enjoyment of my other squirrely labmates(and yes squirrely is the word for them). By Noon I will jump a bus over to UW campus to attend a psychology class...which is a ton of fun and really breaks up the day. If I dont have a class that quarter then I will go to the hospital cafeteria...that's right, the hospital cafeteria for the largest trauma center in the northwest which also takes a majority of the uninsured patients in the area. Thus its common in the cafeteria (which is usually jam packed at noon) to bump elbows with the homeless, people in wheelchairs who just got out of the ER, nurses, doctors, very poor country bumpkins who are in town due to some relative in the hospital, as well as TONS of immigrants/minorities. Lastly I must not forget the crazy array of "lunch-ladies" who are all tough, short minorities and often speak English as a second language...let me tell you that this type of crazy diversity and the understanding and experience that comes with it is exactly why you will not find me living in rural America.

Ok to sum it up I normally get a spinach salad for lunch...which taste just like they smell...delicious. But more to the point they are cheap and I get my veggies in for the day.

At 4pm I ride home, turn on my stereo system (we don't have cable TV only PBS), make dinner, watch a DVD with Sonja, read books or play video games or get together with friends for a board game. Sonja and I will jog 2 times a week commonly or go for hikes. Jogging in our neighborhood is wonderful. Capitol Hill has big beautiful houses in picturesque neighborhoods. One night a week I volunteer answering phones at the Crisis Line for King County from 9pm-1am. I have found it quite fulfilling to help others so I hope to become a mental health counselor in the next 2 years.

Last note: Sonja and I both love the same foods (i.e. all food). So when we go out to eat though we commonly will get: Thai, Indian, Italian, Japanese, Mexican, Veggie Burgers or Falafel.

Merry Go Round

I was sitting in traffic today for a few hours. I needed to run an errand. I needed a little pain I guess. Pain is a teacher. Here is what I learned:

While the sun blazed down upon the black curvature of my luxury auto, I had some time to think. I was in the middle of a 21st century rush hour. This is kinda crazy huh? We are crazy yeah? The orchestrated rush passing on one side and the fustrated crush on the other. Reving, Braking! Jousting, Quaking! Risking near fatality for a few seconds gained. Meaningless and less.

Like a live manequin on display there he was. A Fantastic Fitness patron in a window above us tredding on his mill. Another exercise in futility I thought. "What are you doing man!? Its a beautiful day outside. Liberate yourself!" I thought. Then, "What am I doing?"

Think about that. The man on a tredmill...chasing it. This is the symbol of our age I think. Like the commuter, he struggles with his machine. A machine that devolves you; that is going no where. The tredmillian man puts his faith in technology. Has a belief that his dollars have opened doors to freedom.

Are we free if we are always chasing? Do you know where your time and energy are going? Ask yourself what ultimately you are trying to accomplish. You cannot see the tredmill when it has become part of you. But glory to us that are free to run in place and look so good doing it.

But today I saw what happens when we all try to be free at once. A jam. Then out of the corner of you eye you see the people on the sidewalk out pacing you. "NOOOO!" You think, "I am capable of more than this." Green Light GOOOO! Rev that thing, and then...stop.
Stop.